GRASS VALLEY, Calif. — Local bar The Blasthole is reportedly taking a stand against woke culture by maintaining strictly gendered bathrooms at all times that cocaine is not being consumed, sources looking for a bump confirm.
“Some traditions are worth holding onto, and separate bathrooms for guys and gals is one of ‘em,” said Blasthole owner Mark Robbins. ““There’s been a lot of pressure on this place to go PC and have those big-city-bathrooms that anyone can just waltz on into. I don’t care if you’re a Johnny who wants to be Suzy — at my bar you’ll use the toilet God intended you to use. But if you’re just looking for a private spot to do a sneaky key-bump with your boys, I recommend the ladies room.”
Non-binary patron Taylor Wilkins chose not to use the Blasthole’s facilities for reasons unrelated to gender altogether.
“I stopped at that place passing through town on my way up to the ski-slopes. As soon as I stepped in, a ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flag above the bar and the amount of full camo I saw told me I’d better make it quick,” said Wilkins. “But when I got in the bathroom, there were like six or seven people in there — all doing blow like the world was ending in 15 minutes. They kept trying to get me to hang out with them, but they saw my boots and made so many jokes comparing cocaine to snow that I realized they were all basic. They were all pretty nice, but I just had to take a shit.”
Anthropoligist Wanda Perkins noted that the supposedly rigid gender-assignments of both Blasthole restrooms are actually quite fluid — not just for the consumption of drugs, but drunken sexual encounters as well.
“As long as people are sharing stimulants or engaging in public coitus, these restrooms seem to be able to change, and even remove their gender roles in order to suit the needs of the community at that time,” Perkins said. “In fact, the only consistent rule seems to be about where a particular person urinates or defecates. It’s quite fascinating. One might call them a liminal space for those who are looking to party while retaining their outwardly conservative appearance.”
At press time, Wilkins decided to hold it until they made it to the next town and reported the bathroom was super gross, including the glory hole.