SAN FRANCISCO — Developers behind the encrypted messaging app Signal updated their terms of service to forbid users from organizing and executing targeted military strikes, sources confirmed.
“Signal is a space where people can communicate safely and privately thanks to our state-of-the-art encryption software. Our users value the peace of mind our platform brings,” said Signal Technology Foundation President Meredith Whittaker. “However, following the recent reports of senior US officials using Signal to discuss top secret war plans, we were forced to update our user agreement. Users will still be able to discuss their opinions about military intervention, but ordering airstrikes will be expressly prohibited and might result in your account being suspended. Honestly, we didn’t think this would be a problem when we first started Signal, but that’s the beauty of technological innovation, it serves to protect journalistic integrity as well as keeping state secrets.”
National Security Adviser Michael Waltz criticized Signal for its confusing user interface.
“These dumb phones are a pain in my ass. I was trying to use the button to add this guy I know to our email and the entire screen goes crazy on me. I had to have my grandson come over and do a reset on everything. He wrote down all my passwords on a slip of paper I keep in my wallet which has been really helpful in staying up to date with all the Pentagon plans,” said Waltz. “This whole ordeal is being blown out of proportion anyway. We don’t use Signal for plans, we just use that because they have those fun little hands and faces to put after sentences. I love those things, I thought talking on the internet was boring until I started using those.”
Former intelligence officers say this is the biggest security breach at this level in decades.
“There are systems in place for secure communication, but officials in this administration seem to be ignoring those safety protocols in favor of convenience. Some people might think it’s not a big deal, but the people using these platforms are the same people you see post ‘find bikini woman grill’ as status updates on Facebook,” said former CIA contractor Liam O’Connell. “Russia has been trying to access messages on Signal for years, now it seems like Kremlin officials will just need to ask for invites into group chats with national security advisers to get the inside scoop on what our military plans are.”
At press time, the United States Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was in more hot water after drunkenly texting air strike coordinates to his DoorDash driver and sending his gate code to Pentagon officials.