SANTA FE, N.M. — Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly one-upped his countertop-hopping antics last night, crashing a high-school house party and asking if anyone “dares him” to jump off of a balcony and into a swimming pool, underage witnesses confirmed.
“Do you motherfuckers dare me to jump? ‘Cause I’ll fucking do that shit,” a completely sloshed O’Rourke allegedly yelled at the crowd as he carefully unbuttoned his white dress shirt. “You think you’re ever gonna see old man Cruz up here, partying with the kids? Not a chance. Fugazi rules.”
Several young punks admitted they were equally excited by O’Rourke’s unconventional posturing and the potential for “some wasted old dude” to cannonball into their friend’s parents’ pool.
“Man, that guy rules!” said local teen Donny “Dumps” DeBosco. “I’m not really sure what his deal is, or who he even came here with… but I’m pretty sure I saw him at a gas station over on Cerrillos, tanked on Sparks and daring kids to kick him in the nuts as hard as they could for a dollar earlier today.”
“Plus, his handlers or whatever were giving away stickers, so that’s pretty sweet,” he added.
Some revelers, however, were not as happy with O’Rourke’s drunken antics, spending over 45 minutes pleading with him to “just leave, please.”
“Honestly, fuck that dude,” said nervous party host Rebecca Perez, whose parents were expected home any minute. “The countertop thing was kind of cute at first, I guess… but it was way after 10 p.m. and he was screaming all crazy about how ‘the border wall can blow me.’”
“And then he threw my step-dad’s patio furniture into the pool!” Perez added. “If Rick comes home and sees I ruined another one of his table umbrellas, he’s gonna shit.”
At press time, O’Rourke was seen spray painting “Beto WUZ here” on the door of Perez’s parents’ garage.