Press "Enter" to skip to content

Sex Swing Used as Cat Condo

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Spouses Josh and Natasha Taylor are reportedly in a losing battle for control of their sex swing — a purchase made to spice up their intimacy that has gradually become a habitat for their cat Danzig, aggravated sources confirmed.

“It’s annoying. I set up the swing for Nat on our eighth anniversary, and within ten minutes it was covered in cat fur. It’s tough to get in the mood when you spend most of the time for foreplay lint rolling the hell out of the swing,” said Mr. Taylor. “We ended up using it a couple times that week. It was fun I guess, but it was pretty distracting with Ziggy staring, talking to us, and trying to jump onto the seat every five seconds. I think he thinks it’s a game, but I wish he’d use that fucking cat tree we got him.”

The couple reports mounting pressure to reclaim the swing for themselves before the cat makes it a permanent home.

“It’s kind of taken the spontaneity out of using it, but Josh says we should show dominance and mark the swing as our territory,” said Mrs. Taylor while attempting to remove some accumulated hair and dander from the INTIMIX 600™ with a special pet hair vacuum. “It’s really sweet that he even bought it — we saw a couple playing with one when we were watching ‘Love Island’ and I off-handedly said it looked fun. I didn’t even think he was listening.”

“I think Zig likes it more than I do, though,” Taylor went on. “It kind of hurts my back and our two usual positions work fine for me, to be honest.”

Sex and intimacy expert Ayo Diallo noted that products couples purchase to aid in romance regularly become the possessions of their household pets.

“Bringing toys and accessories into the bedroom can be great, but it’s really just a way to get couples talking about what they like more than it’s about repeated use,” Diallo said. “My partner and I got one of those wedge pillows — we used it a few times, but these days our chihuahua climbs up it to get on the couch. Now if I’m going to do doggy, I just stretch first.”

At press time, the Taylors announced plans to repurpose a riding crop they purchased on Valentine’s Day 2018 into a wand toy.