SETSONVILLE, Md. — A recent influx of white people who are somehow even more wealthy and entitled than the last bunch caused area microbreweries to fear that they may soon be unable to afford their rents, sources wearing perfectly tailored flannel confirmed.
“It’s appalling how the little guy is always getting priced out. I’ve been a part of this neighborhood ever since the second half of the Obama administration, and I’ll be damned if I have to leave now,” proclaimed Gerry Hawksworth, owner of Twisted Taint Brewing Co. “I started this microbrewery with nothing more than my own two wealthy investors. What of them now? Even for those moneybags this new rent is exorbitant. The community really needs to rally around us as a cultural institution or else residents will be living in a trivia night desert.”
Gentrifier Mal Whiteman defended his right to live anywhere he damn well pleases.
“I don’t see why these pesky poors are so up in arms. Frankly, I’m providing a service by raising the value of every property in this neighborhood beyond a reasonable threshold,” explained Whiteman. “There’s too many so-called microbreweries around here anyway. Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we replaced some or all of them with hard kombucha distilleries instead? Doesn’t matter, because I’m doing it anyway. And you can bet those little bottles will be $15 a pop.”
Despite growing concerns from the community about the forthcoming gentrification, political officials expressed opinions ranging from apathy to having their eyes turn into big cartoon dollar signs.
“I don’t give half a dog dammit if this city has historic microbreweries or unhistoric AA meeting centers as long as they pay whatever property tax we decide to throw at them this year,” said Mayor Klement Johnson, reading from a prepared statement earlier today. “Back when that first wave of rich goons decided to move in here because they thought these buildings had ‘good bones’ or whatever, I thought we couldn’t fly much higher than this. But if this new crop is gonna outprice the guys who think paying $14 for a weak IPA is a good deal, well, all I can say is ‘cha-ching!’”
At press time, microbreweries from the area united to fight housing inflation while also refusing their employees the right to unionize.