SALEM, Ore. – Local resident Lourdes Castello caught a horrifying glimpse into the worst creative slop humanity has to offer when she casually searched streaming platform Tubi for a movie she wanted to watch, visibly repulsed sources reported.
“I was in the mood to watch ‘Notting Hill,’ so I typed it into the search,” Castello said. “It wasn’t available, but I absent-mindedly scrolled through the results and became more appalled and fascinated the further I went. The first result was ‘Autumn in New York’ with Winona Ryder, which I suppose is close enough, but after that it went completely off the rails. I mean, ‘Bikini Hackers?’ What the fuck is that? I ultimately ended up watching ‘Hee Haw Farm.’ I just couldn’t resist.”
Castello’s roommate Shelly Lewell happened upon the result of Castello’s sordid plunge into the grim media depths.
“I walked into the living room and glanced at the TV, and I couldn’t believe what Lourdes was watching,” Lewell noted. “It was this unbelievably low-budget movie about a donkey farm, or something, and it had the worst acting I’ve ever seen. It was definitely a children’s movie, and I think it might’ve been Christian, but I’m not sure. Lourdes just had this glazed-over expression on her face, like she definitely wasn’t enjoying it but couldn’t help herself from watching. It was really grisly. I could actually feel myself getting swept up in it, as well, so I had to run out of the room.”
Tubi representative Jack Loganmeyers was not surprised by the situation.
“This is actually what Tubi’s business is modeled after,” Loganmeyers offered. “Very rarely will somebody end up watching what they set out to when they logged into our platform. They’ll type in ‘Interstellar’ and end up watching some shitty 45-minute documentary about the guitarist from T. Rex. They’ll try to watch ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and end up playing ‘Like a Country Song.’ Some think it’s sick, but we actually generate 90% of our views off of morbid curiosity alone. How else would we be able to stay afloat? It’s a free service, for Christ’s sake.”
At press time, Castello had finished watching ‘Hee Haw Farm’ and had headed to her local Walmart to peruse the bargain DVD bin for her next watch.