BRAINTREE, Mass. — A leak revealed that local punk band We Wear the Mask only keeps their second guitarist, Davey Thompson, in the lineup because he is the only one who knows how to fix the band’s perpetually ailing 1998 Ford Econoline tour van, anonymous sources report.
“We’ve tried to let him go so many times. We’re a punk band for god’s sake, we don’t need a second guitarist,” lead guitarist Rick O’Neill confessed to a friend while waiting for Thompson to rebuild the van’s carburetor. “But every time we’re about to cut him loose, the van breaks down. Last time it was the alternator, and the time before that, the brakes. We were this close to firing him last month, but then something happened to the transmission, and there he was, saving the day again.”
Thompson is fully aware of his precarious position and the fine line he walks between being an essential member of the band and having to go back to work at his dad’s garage.
“Look, I know I’m not exactly shredding on stage, and I’m more comfortable with a socket wrench than a guitar pick,” Thompson admitted from underneath the van. “But if I can keep this van running, then I’m still in the band. It beats getting a day job, and as long as the guys need me to change the fan belt, I’m safe. And, sure, maybe I’ve ‘accidentally’ loosened a spark plug or battery terminal a few times just to make sure I stay indispensable. Sue me.”
Music industry experts aren’t entirely surprised by Thompson’s story.
“It’s a common misconception that everyone in a band is there purely for their musical talent,” explained Dr. Melody Stratton, a professor of musicology at Cleveland State University. “Sometimes it’s because they can carry the heaviest amp, have wealthy parents who bankroll the tour, or, in this case, know how to change a tire on the side of the highway. In the end, it’s all about what you bring to the table—be it talent, money, or working knowledge of a vehicle’s fuse box.”
As of press time, Thompson’s security within the band may be short-lived after it was reported that bassist Emma Green was spotted watching a YouTube video on how to change a vehicle’s oil.