EL PASO, Texas — Kaplan, Inc. is releasing a new, signature model of their SAT Reading & Writing Prep book to honor the intense vocabulary found in At the Drive-In/The Mars Volta frontman Cedric Bixler-Zavala’s lyrics, sources confirmed.
“Cedric has enriched multiple languages with his vocabulary acrobatics,” declared Kaplan spokesperson Bethany Larkin. “His unwillingness to be confined by the wax simulacrum of existing language makes him the best possible inspiration for anxious high schoolers. See? Even I enjoyed reading his work, even if I didn’t really ‘get’ it.”
Bixler-Zavala was on hand at the unveiling of the new SAT prep book, and addressed the crowd with a poetic, confusing statement.
“Open your endogenous sarcophagi and dissect a trillion quanta of this communiqué,” said Bixler-Zavala, who graciously took a break from yelling at kids for moshing in a nearby McDonald’s PlayPlace ball pit for the commemoration. “The dogmatic oubliette of established language prevents substantive ascension, and I’m happy to partner with Kaplan to liberate our coadjutants from their respective comatoriums.”
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An advance copy of the SAT Reading & Writing Prep: Nonsense Cedric Bixler-Zavala Words Edition included three additional chapters to the normal curriculum: “Rascuache Folio” covers the singer’s work in At the Drive-In, while “Cassandra Gemini (Parts 9-16)” is devoted to lyrics from The Mars Volta. The third chapter, “The Hoxadrine Promulgation,” features his verbal creations from lesser-known bands De Facto and Antemasque.
Larkin believes the study guide will not only educate high school students, but will also help adults continue their education.
“Let’s be honest — are words and phrases like ‘meccamputechture’ and ‘Nephilim rain’ going to show up on the actual test? Of course not. But this book will properly prepare your child to develop their condescending sense of musical taste before starting at their Big Ten state school,” said Larkin. “The bonus epilogue, ‘Dodecahedron Cascades,’ will contain brief tutorials for convincing your homie to grow an afro with you, as well as analogies detailing how to perform on late night television shows while high as fuck.”
Upon learning of the Kaplan and Bixler-Zavala vocabulary partnership, Bad Religion’s Greg Graffin allegedly asked, “You can do that?”