CHICAGO — Local man Shaun Clemens is reportedly planning to spend St. Patrick’s Day in his usual leprechaun costume, drinking alone in his room this year instead of celebrating in public during the pandemic.
“Paddy’s Day is my cultural heritage, and this leprechaun costume is how I express it,” said Clemens, opening a beer from the case of Guinness he purchased to consume by himself in his room, along with two bottles of Jameson whiskey. “My great-great-great grandfather came over from Ireland on the boat, I think, and this shit is part of my family. I’m not an idiot, and I won’t go to some fucking superspreader event, but there’s no way Covid can keep the Irish down. The English didn’t. The Famine didn’t. And the fucking pandemic won’t.”
However, Clemens’ roommate Justin Core had some concerns.
“I mean, I get that it’s important to him… though he doesn’t really bring up being Irish otherwise. Mostly he’s a pretty chill dude, but the costume itself is actually pretty worrying. It looks pretty expensive — like, that jacket covered in green shamrocks might actually be bespoke, but the top hat is definitely custom-made,” said Core. “I really just don’t think it’s healthy that he’s been applying spirit gum to his face to patch on that big, fake red beard for the last hour. And he hasn’t even offered me a beer.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Peter Martin was unsurprised.
“What Shaun is going through is sadly very typical right now,” said Dr. Martin. “With no expression for their one-time-a-year, wildly extroverted sense of stereotypical pride, Irish-Americans are going through a very hard time. Their inability to dress up as cartoon versions of their mythology has been curtailed, and honestly, it’s people like Shaun hit the hardest. Which is to say, dudes who are way, way too into being Irish.”
Planning ahead, Clemens reportedly called his local dry cleaner to get estimates for grooming the giant tree costume he plans on wearing while drinking alone in his room for Arbor Day.