WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his orifices with silica gel packets, sources confirmed.
“I’m proud to announce I’ve discovered a miracle anti-aging breakthrough—I stuffed silica gel packets in all my holes and now I can never die! You’d be amazed how many of these suckers you can fit in your pee-hole, but you really gotta get ’em up there or the healing crystals can’t latch onto your taint chakra,” mumbled RFK Jr., loose packets spilling from his mouth. “You see, the ancient Egyptians had the right idea with mummification, but the crucial mistake they made was only embalming themselves after they were dead. But this stuff is all-natural, non-toxic, and ever since I’ve started silica-maxxing I’ve transcended the need to void my bowels.”
Make America Healthy Again acolyte Bradley Gaines took to TikTok to try the new silica-maxxing trend.
“We stan our desiccant daddy RFK Jr., so you know I had to try this new miracle aging cure myself. Now the first thing you’ll notice is all these junk food wrappers around me—I wouldn’t be caught putting this processed garbage in my body, I just needed to buy it to get enough nourishing silica packets to fill my bodily apertures,” said Gaines, grunting as he stuffed a handful of packets down his pants. “Wow, you can really feel the silica working immediately, it’s kind of like popping a Zyn except instead of an energizing buzz it feels like your asshole is filled with rock salt. Well the guidelines did say that some bleeding was normal, but thankfully the silica will dry all that up in no time.”
Healthcare workers pleaded with Americans to not follow the new HHS guidelines on how to safely shove silica packets in your orifices.
“I can’t in good conscience recommend that Americans ‘lube up with tallow and start slowly with one or two fistfuls of silica packets until you feel the euphoria wash over your naked body,'” said gastroenterologist Dr. Gabriel Trammell. “The list of things we recommend you shove up your ass are pretty small, and desiccant packets from an old bag of beef jerky is definitely not one of them. There is also no clinical evidence to the claim that ‘when you cross the silica desert and hallucinate an oasis, it’s the trickster Loki trying to con you into drinking from the pool of seed oils.'”
Having conquered death, RFK Jr. announced plans to spend the next 500 years searching across time and space for the cure for autism.