WASHINGTON — A new report from teachers, librarians, and anyone who has ever picked up a book at any point in their life rebuked claims that watching an episode of “Wishbone” episode as a child comes anywhere close to having read the book.
“No. Just no,” enraged Library of Congress spokesperson, Jen Hastings stated. “I get wanting to make a good impression on a date, but I’ll just say now, save yourself the embarrassment when you’re forced to admit as a grown adult you’re citing a children’s show from the ‘90s. This isn’t a dig against ‘Wishbone,’ I loved that show, it’s why I studied literature, and it’s why I let out a high-pitched squeal whenever I see a Jack Russel terrier to this day. The point of the show was to get kids interested in literature and to read more. Not to give you something to lie about.”
Viewers of the PBS show were shocked and upset to learn that their perceived literary superiority was now under a microscope.
“Ever since this announcement was made, I’ve been forced to rebrand my whole online persona,” noted TikToker Classiclitchick, one of many called out for using “Wishbone” as their source. “I’ve spent years cultivating an online personality that bashes people for reading writers like David Foster Wallace instead of women writers like George Eliot and Jane Austen, but after I accidentally referenced the Joe and Sam subplot from an old episode in my last video, people are starting to question my legitimacy and I’ve had to delete my Goodreads page. I could try reading the books, but it’s probably just easier to switch my channel to a movie TikTok going after Tarantino and Scorsese fanboys.”
“Wishbone” creator Rick Duffield stated he’s pleased with the show’s enduring legacy and impact on literacy, but was dismayed to learn his show was being abused by pseudo-intellectuals.
“I’m struggling to wrap my brain around the fact that there are people out there who are actually doing this,” a shocked Duffield exclaimed. “The idea for the show was to show kids that these old books were actually really exciting and entertaining stories. The hope was that kids would see the episode and then go to the library, not just lie about reading so they could seem intellectually superior on a date. Christ, I can’t believe you lazy bastards are pulling this shit, it’s like watching the movie for a book report.”
Requests for comment by the eponymous character went unanswered as he is a dog and has been dead for over a decade.