NEW YORK — A groundbreaking new study from Columbia University seemingly proves that the sound of music abruptly ending with a record scratch upon entering an establishment is still the best indicator that a person has walked into the wrong bar.
“Based on extensive research conducted over several decades of incidents occurring from individuals entering bars that differ from their cultural or socio-economical status, the data strongly suggests that there is a 97.6% chance that hearing music stop with a record scratch as soon as you enter indicates you have walked into a place you shouldn’t have,” said researcher Thomas Clavin. “It also suggests that if the music starts up again after a few moments of silence it is safe to venture farther in and order a drink. However, if you were to order something like a craft IPA and the record scratch happens again it’s best if you leave immediately.”
One participant in the study says his experiences corroborate the study, especially in his continually gentrified neighborhood of Bushwick in Brooklyn, New York.
“So, my friends told me to meet them at the unmarked bar across from the artisanal pudding shop, and the second I get there and open the door the music stopped with a ‘SCERRREERRUURH’ sound,” said Jake Robinson. “That’s when I knew I had walked into the wrong establishment and that my friends meant the other unmarked place across from the other artisanal pudding shop. It also happened to the next four guys that came in after me. The weird part was that this place didn’t even have a record player.”
B-list film director Jeffery Knight who has made such low-budget action films as “Mercenary School” and “The Crushening” says that while the record scratch is the best way to know you walked into the wrong bar, there are others.
“Sure, the old record scratch is a good one but let’s say you make your way into a pub and you hear someone say ‘Looks like the circus is in town’ or even something as simple as the sound of a glass breaking followed by the screeching sound of a barstool being pushed back. Oh, you are really in the wrong place,” said Knight. “There’s also just the classic sound of a baby crying in the distance. Although if you hear a baby in a bar, you being in the wrong place is the last thing you need to worry about.”
At press time, Columbia researchers say that they have begun a new study that shows the best way to know if you have walked into a restaurant that is out of your price range is when the dining room goes silent except for a comically timed sound of a champagne cork popping.