WASHINGTON – An audit of Supreme Court merchandise sales revealed that Justice Clarence Thomas pocketed roughly half the proceeds while failing to disclose said income as required by law, sources close to the situation confirmed.
“After a careful review of the cash in my desk drawer and undisclosed island bunker complex, I will be directing my financial advisors to retroactively report the income from said merch sales,” said Justice Thomas in a statement. “At no time did I intend to be caught benefiting financially from my position of great power and responsibility, nor did I intend to besmirch the honor of a court that recently reversed decades of established law to deprive women of their bodily autonomy.”
Chief Justice John Roberts, reached for comment by shaking him awake at his desk, was forceful in his condemnation of ethical lapses by members of the Court.
“The Court holds itself to the highest nonbinding and unwritten ethical standards, which is why I am pleased to announce that Justice Alito will be resigning due to what happened to all those puppies,” said Justice Roberts. “I will say that at the time of the event he did not know the puppies were still alive. Wait, what are you asking about?”
A representative from Punks for Merch Transparency, the nonprofit group that performed the audit, disclosed how the investigation unfolded.
“We got a tip from the Court’s previous merch guy that an unidentified Justice has been regularly skimming the profits from the RGB keychains and, most recently, the entire Kavanaugh Vineyards line,” said Tyler Torrenson. “We started asking questions and Justice Thomas was the only member of the court who didn’t deny it. Alito just hissed into the phone, which I’m told is normal.”
As of press time, Justice Thomas was retroactively investing the retroactively reported profits into shares of Amazon.