Press "Enter" to skip to content

Remorseful Jock Jams Apologizes for Beating Up Punk-O-Rama in High School

LOS ANGELES — Sports-themed dance music mix Jock Jams apologized to the seminal punk rock series Punk-O-Rama yesterday for relentless bullying throughout the mid-’90s while both attended high school, sources close to the compilations confirmed.

“Looking back, I feel sick about how I treated Punk-O-Rama,” said a contrite Jock Jams. “I used to shove it in lockers, peel off its ‘The Wall’ Lifetime Guarantee sticker, upload it to Limewire with incorrect song titles… really mean stuff. I had to reach out and make amends.”

Taking full responsibility for its actions, Jock Jams went on to explain what motivated its behavior more than 20 years ago.

“Honestly, it was jealousy — sure, I was the coolest mix in school, but deep down I knew my music was shallow. And Punk-O-Rama was so… different,” said Jock Jams. “It was this weird compilation of bands I’d never heard of, like Rancid, and Bad Religion. And me? I had C&C Music Factory every year. If that’s not an obvious cry for help, I don’t know what is.”

Fellow classmate The Source Presents: Hip Hop Hits agreed that although Jock Jams was once considered the epitome of cool, it has not aged well.

“It’s kind of a typical story: the jock music compilation peaks in high school, while weirdos like Punk-O-Rama move on and become classics,” said The Source Presents. “You look at JJ’s songs now, and it’s like, ‘Tag Team?’ ‘EMF?’ And the less said about that Gary Glitter track on Jock Jams Vol. 1, the better.”

Although Punk-O-Rama was initially surprised by Jock Jams’ request, the two agreed to meet for coffee.

“Out of the blue, Jock Jams DM’ed me and asked to get a drink,” said Punk-O-Rama. “Back in the day, JJ was so popular. All the girls loved JJ — it was played at every football game, it sold 4 million albums… But in 2018, I’m finally seeing it for who it is – a bloated, overproduced collection of shitty dance songs. Now I just feel bad for it.”

While Punk-O-Rama graciously accepted Jock Jam’s apology, it did turn down an offer to join it and other former classmates at a local pub for Quizzo.

“Coffee is one thing, but I don’t want to hang out with people I never liked in high school. Especially that dork Now, That’s What I Call Music,” Punk-O-Rama said. “What a tool.”

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.