BANGOR, Maine — Middle-aged goth Richard Irwin stashed his collection of The Cure’s landmark fourth album “Pornography” in the woods behind his house yesterday to keep his family from finding the large amounts of vinyl, excited neighborhood teens report.
“Look, I have kids now, and I just don’t want to risk scarring them at such a young age. ‘Pornography’ is a serious album, and you don’t just jump from the Wiggles to the Cure without serious ramifications,” explained Irwin, who promised his wife he’d no longer bring such depraved material into the house. “So I went deep into a forest and found a perfect place to stuff this waterproof bag with all the various editions I own. And if I’m feeling randy, I’ll take this battery-powered turntable into the woods, bite my lip, and revel in miserable ecstasy while applying some light mascara.”
Reports indicate local horny teenagers found the salacious stash very quickly.
“Let’s just say that I found a very interesting pile of stuff the other day, if you know what I mean,” hinted local 7th grader Skyler Anderson, showing the first signs of an incoming thin mustache. “I’ve been turning a nice little profit by sharing it with my schoolmates who haven’t experienced anything this hardcore before. They never know what to do with themselves, especially once ‘The Hanging Garden’ starts. But if anyone asks, you didn’t hear about it from me. My mom would kill me.”
The Cure’s frontman Robert Smith weighed in, recommending care be taken to not expose it to children.
“‘Pornography’ should only be enjoyed by those mentally fit enough to withstand the titillating and supremely depressing subject matter contained within,” said Smith, who has started sharing stories of each track from the album on OnlyFans. “Maybe ease your children into it by playing ‘Friday I’m In Love’ in the car, or adding ‘Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me’ to their Spotify library. Before you know it, they’ll be addicted to ‘Pornography’ and maybe start a tribute band to perform ‘Pornography’ themselves.”
Irwin’s secret stash has reportedly grown significantly in the last day, adding Extreme’s “Pornograffiti,” Big Black’s “Songs About Fucking,” and Dave Matthews Band’s “Crash.”