CHICAGO — Climatologists are blaming record-low temperatures for the steep decline in Year-Round Shorts-Guy populations, resulting in a massive shortage of exposed, hairy, mid-winter calves, according to a new study released today.
“An increasing number of well-calved men are buying full-length pants for the first time since high school. This is incredibly dangerous, as their own family members may not recognize them and reject them,” said study author Janet Baker, as she adjusted the leggings she regularly wears to work, dinner, and bed. “This particular strain of men are known to typically ‘run hot.’ Their decline could single-handedly end the entire cargo short industry.”
The Trump administration, unwilling to acknowledge climate change, has pinned the decline on cultural and economical changes.
“Year-Round Shorts-Guys were a byproduct of the Clinton presidency, and have never had anything to do with the environment. These same men flocked to dot-coms with lax dress codes and listened to Sublime in droves. We are now in the midst of a shift back to conservative business practices, and the understanding that Sublime truly sucked,” said EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. “Under our strong leadership, America’s men have reclaimed their minds and, most importantly, their pants.”
Leading climatologist Alberta Gutierrez refuted the White House’s position.
“Guys who only own shorts are fully clothing themselves because of unprecedented, rapid shifts in temperature. Most of these guys have already known for years that their favorite college bands were lackluster,” said Gutierrez. “Sadly, this sort of fallacy is what we expect from this administration. We could be facing an extinction-level event, where these men are forced to become ‘socks-with-sandals’ guys.”
Scrambling to save the critically endangered men, a handful of privately funded chimera research labs are racing to hybridize Year-Round Shorts-Guys with Jeans-at-the-Gym-Guys.
“It is our last chance to save this species of American man. Unfortunately, our biggest problem is finding women willing to carry such a dense baby to term,” said Gutierrez.