MINNEAPOLIS — A 1986 Ford Econoline van baffled onlookers and scientists alike last night after somehow inhabiting two separate parking spaces at precisely the same moment in time, sources confirm.
“In my nearly 50 years of studies, I’ve never seen anything like this,” Dr. Bartholomew Gershwin, a professor of physical science at Harvard University, said of the scientific anomaly. “As there are two spaces, one would expect two cars to be parked between the lines on either side… yet, here we find only one van, parked entirely in the wrong direction across both. It may be decades before quantum theory can fully explain it.”
Scientific minds from around the world gathered in the parking lot behind Hawkeye’s Brawl House to examine the vehicle — which, so far, has only led to more questions than answers.
“In addition to its three missing hubcaps and broken side mirror, the phrase ‘BLEEDING AYES’ is spray painted on the side… which, I don’t believe translates to any written language on record,” explained theoretical physicist Paulina Campos, Ph.D. “Signs of life were seen inside, however, with bags from fast food eateries of various time zones littered all over the floor, dashboard and several seats.”
Related:
- Bernie Sanders Launches GoFundMe After Tour Van Stolen Outside Debate
- $24,000 in Repairs Made to $800 Tour Van
- Tour Bus Quits Band to Go Back to School Bus
However, some local residents are growing impatient with the fanfare around the parking lot.
“I hate living near that sketchy bar. It’s always something,” said neighbor Patricia Meeks. “Last week, I got blocked in by a double-parked Toyota Camry with a guy sleeping in the back. I thought he was homeless, but when I woke him up, he tried selling me a cassette tape. He made me super late for work.”
Other bystanders have embraced the excitement of a new scientific conundrum.
“Yeah, no idea how this van got here. What a crazy mystery,” said one young woman with fake blood smeared under her eyes and spiked shoulder pads on her jacket. “But they’re not, like, gonna search inside the van, right? Have you seen any cops around? Not that I care or whatever.”
When asked for her name, the woman mysteriously disappeared into a cherry-scented cloud of vaporous matter.
Photo by Kat Chish and Steve Crandall.