RICHFIELD, Minn. — Foot traffic at a local Walmart store has dropped off significantly after one of its greeters, unapologetic punk Steve McKenzie, has turned out to be more of a deterrent than a welcoming presence, confirmed sources.
“I came with my family yesterday when we were immediately accosted by some vagrant who began making pig noises at us and made a condescending comment to my son about coming to buy, as he put, ‘probably some shitty major label vinyl garbage.’ But then I saw his name tag and thought, ‘This is who Walmart is hiring these days?’” said Daniel Wallace. “I thought greeters were supposed to be old retired veterans, not crusties who look like they dumpster dive out back on their lunch breaks. We ended up leaving after he wouldn’t let us in without paying a $5 cover fee or giving him drugs. I’ve been treated better at Dollar General!”
Despite numerous complaints, McKenzie saw no issues with his job performance.
“I guess I’m supposed to greet people with a smile or whatever bullshit was in the job description, but do you see any of my coworkers providing good customer service having to cater to morons all day? If people don’t want to shop here because of me, it’s because they were never welcome in the first place,” said McKenzie. “I run the front the same as the house show doors I work: keeping out poseurs, jocks, and rednecks. My manager pulled me the other day and said the spikes and patches on my work vest are intimidating shoppers. Good, they should be afraid of me.”
Walmart’s Midwest district manager resigned to the fact that store greeters are almost always wildcards.
“The truth is, the position is for employees that can’t really do anything or would do more harm than good if given any real responsibility. But 98% of the complaints we receive are related to greeters acting like security but without preventing any shoplifting, or trying to hand out copies of their band’s EP to everyone. It’s killing our sales more than inflation,” said Roger Baker. “Despite Mr. McKenzie’s numerous write-ups, we’re stuck with him until we can find someone desperate enough for the job who also won’t pull knives on cops.”
As of press time, McKenzie was put on a final warning after several physical altercations with customers wearing MAGA hats, who make up 70% of the store’s clientele.