PORTLAND, Ore. — A time capsule that a local punk buried 25 years ago was recently unearthed and discovered to have been filled with nothing but drugs, confirmed highly intrigued sources.
“Typically, we honor time by celebrating a past that we find ourselves removed from,” said Mayor Walace Tracy. “Some time capsules remind us of technology we once depended on that is now laughably quaint like a Discman or a Tamagotchi. Other time capsules contain newspapers and magazines to remind us of pop culture trends of the past such as the Bill Clinton scandal or the Jonathan Taylor Thomas phenomenon. This time capsule is full of narcotics, methamphetamines, psychedelics, cannabis, and bath salts. Turns out, drugs never age. The same can’t be said about Beanie Babies and Spin Doctors CDs.”
One local punk was brave enough to come forward and claim the time capsule, which authorities returned assuming there’s no chance any of it was still psychoactive after being underground for more than two decades.
“Oh shit, is that where I put my stash? Can’t believe I buried it instead of those Pokémon cards, I must have been tripping so hard,” recalled Suzi Renita. “There’s, like, a whole sheet of acid in here. And a bag of shitty weed full of seeds. Remember when you’d buy weed and you had to spend an hour pulling out all the seeds? Wow, it really makes you think about how far we’ve come as a society. It also makes you wonder whether LSD and cocaine have expiration dates. Only one way to find out.”
Local sociologist Gemma Bobbie reflected on time capsules as a chance to reconnect with a past that may have fallen prey to our social amnesia.
“A few decades ago massive technological progress would happen once a generation, at best,” said Bobbie. “But with our current age of exponential advancements we find that, ugh, sorry, these shrooms taste like shit. Where was I? The myopia of our current news cycles has forced us to live in the present for so long that we find ourselves often forgetting that we even have a rich history filled with really potent illegal substances that often pair well with Alan Watts recordings. Either way, drugs belong circulating in your bloodstream, not a few feet underground.”
At press time, another time capsule buried by a gaggle of local goths was discovered to be a box full of random bones and a fully decomposed crow.