JAMESTOWN, N.Y. — Local punk prodigy Marriott Dubois puked onstage during his preschool recital, solidifying his arrival in the local scene, confirmed sources who were jealous of his gift.
“The janitor just dumped sawdust on my puke, so open up the pit before an exorcist tries to shut us down,” growled Marriott as he was being cleaned up backstage, stinking of fresh barf, little kid body odor, and faint traces of tire fire. “People have been calling me the Bobby Fischer of punk, and it might have something to do with how much Hawaiian Punch and chunks of Chef Boyardee were seen in my vomit. Sounds like the last person to have this talent so young was GG Allin. If I ever figure out how to shit onstage I’ll be unstoppable.”
Marriott’s music teacher Ms. Hampton is likely the least surprised out of every parent in the auditorium.
“By alienating, captivating, and repulsing the audience at St. Mary’s Roman Catholic Church of Christ, his performance will be legendary at any hole-in-the-wall bar with $3 Pabst Blue Ribbons well into his drinking age, if he lives that long,” Hampton whispered through a wince. “He was the only one who took off his shirt and wrapped microphone cable around his fist as if he was brandishing a weapon during tryouts. This is a Catholic preschool, not a syringe cleaning center. However, I’m not ‘lying for Jesus’ when I say he has raw energy and there’s huge, figurative, pre-pubescent balls on that warrior for the lord.”
Local punk historian Crudup is well aware of Marriott’s lore and actually met him before this legendary performance.
“I met him in this underpass. Usually it’s invite-only when it comes to my home, but he didn’t care. He was like ‘who moved my Lego shit?’ as if I already knew who he was,” confessed Crudup, author of several gems of knowledge scrawled on bathroom stalls. “He’s evolving quickly. Most punks his age are experimenting with mohawks in the bathtub, whereas Marriott can estimate how much Elmer’s Glue is needed to raise a mohawk at any hair length. It’s impressive at his age.”
At press time, Dubois was already looking to start a band despite having little to no interest in actually learning how to play an instrument.