ATLANTA — Netflix subscriber Christina Hyeon’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt marathon was interrupted last night by a message announcing that the service “doesn’t give a fuck if you’re still watching,” a confused source confirmed.
“Fuck you,” the message allegedly added.
“I was, like, six episodes in, when the usual ‘Are you still watching?’ thing came on,” Hyeon said. “But before I could hit ‘continue,’ another prompt came up: ‘We bet you do wanna keep watching this mainstream bullshit, don’t you, asshole?’”
“I mean, I’ve been called a poser as much as the next girl, but to have a digital platform call me out like that in my own living room — that was just unexpected,” Hyeon confided.
Found to be a mysterious “punk” Netflix glitch, additional updates prompted mixed reactions among users.
“That regular thing came on, but another one came up, like, one second later that just said, ‘You know what? I’m not your fucking mommy, dude.’ And then there were five middle finger emojis,” sci-fi enthusiast Rudy Delhomme confirmed. “Honestly, it was kind of a wake-up call… I mean, do I always need someone checking in on how I’m doing? I’m my own man. I’ll watch as much Star Trek: Voyager as I fucking want.”
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Netflix technicians are actively trying to find the source of the breach, which they assure users is “probably just a phase.”
“We can confirm streaming is being interrupted by dialogue boxes with messaging like, ‘I can’t believe you actually watch this horseshit capitalist drivel,’ and, ‘Click here for more garbage your government wants to cram down your throat,’” said Netflix Chief Communications Officer Jonathan Friedland. “We have an entirely separate file dedicated to the ones that just say, ‘Fuck you, fuckface,’ which we plan to resolve immediately.”
While Netflix has not confirmed any new messages generated in the system, leaked screenshots show they include a “Mindless Propaganda Bullshit I Bet You Like, You Fucking Sheep” pop-up, as well as a glitch that automatically streams Black Mirror.