NEW YORK — Local punk rocker and present-day messiah, Lenny “Resin” Jackson stunned the masses crashing at his squat by using his divine abilities to transform water into steaming bowls of cheap, salty sustenance, stoked onlookers reported, true believers confirmed
“Look, wine is cool and all, but have you ever been hungover and broke? People don’t need more booze—they need carbs to soak up the booze, man. And you can’t beat a steaming bowl of Nissin pork. And I got that shit on tap,” said Jackson, absentmindedly petting a stray cat. “I mean, my Dad gave me these powers for a reason. One time, I turned a whole bucket of hose water into enough ramen to feed all 12 of my homies after The Varukers’ reunion show. Fuck healing the sick—that’s the real work.”
Jackson is seen as the second coming of Christ to members of his crew, but some of them have grown a little weary of the routine.
“You know, back in our early 20s, it was rad that he could whip up a meal on the fly like that, but we’re all in our early 30s now, I need to watch my sodium intake, It just feels like someone with the power of God at his disposal could maybe conjure up something with a little protein. I’m looking for satiety at this point so I stop snacking so much,” said Jesse ‘Izzy” Iscariot, poking at a limp noodle. “Would it kill him to miracle up a rotisserie chicken? Man, what I wouldn’t give for some fresh vegetables. I swear, if I just had a few extra coins, I could get a real meal in this town.”
Biblical scholars are starting to uncover more evidence that Jackson may in fact be Christ resurrected.
“Jesus was known for casting out demons, and from what I know about Mr. Jackson he single-handedly ran 12 Nazis out of his local punk scene,” said Notre Dame Divinity Professor Angela Ingbar. “There are also stories that he fed over 5,000 punks simply be breaking the window of a local Whole Foods and looting the place. He also resurrected his old band The Shit Kickers, and despite the group being dead for years they are back and planning on releasing new music next year. Truly a miracle.”
At press time, Jackson was seen flipping tables in a bodega, furious over the price of sriracha.