NEW YORK — The annual “Punk Humanitarian of the Year” award was given to local drunk Rick Johnson who selflessly gave away over 35 loose cigarettes outside of a show late last year, confirmed guests at the gala held at the prestigious Paul Skinner Halfway House and Theater for the Arts earlier today.
“There were so many deserving nominees for this year’s big award. There was Liz Lovett, for always having extra safety pins when someone tore their battle vest. Phil Hansen, who showed up to the afterparty with a six-pack because his parents haven’t cut him off yet. But there was one punk’s charitable contributions to the scene that stood above the rest this year,” said emcee Killy Crystal while fishing a crumpled envelope out of his sleeveless tux pocket before opening it with a boxcutter. “Rick Johnson, for getting way too drunk last night and giving away loose cigarettes to anyone that asked!”
Mr. Johnson, who was deeply hungover while accepting the award, emphasized the importance of community in his acceptance speech.
“Wow, what an incredible honor. I wish I could remember doing any of that shit because I’m sure there are so many people I either need to thank or apologize to,” said Johnson, wincing in pain as the bright spotlights exacerbated his headache. “First, I’d like to thank my older brother Corey, who let me bum my first cigarette at the tender age of seven. Oh, and the guy that shared that ziplock bag full of tequila he smuggled in with me after the bartender cut me off—without you, I wouldn’t have got drunk enough to make this possible.”
Fellow nominee Tripp Gladwell begrudgingly gave Johnson his props for the award-winning display of generosity.
“I wanted to win so fucking bad, but you can’t deny the impact Rick’s had on all our lives. Hell, I bummed two smokes off him myself,” said Gladwell, who was nominated for stealing the key to the locked spray paint cabinet at Walmart. “Due to the rising cost of cigarettes, this man is single-handedly responsible for the largest charitable donation to the scene since Paul Skinner’s widow bought this venue with the insurance payout she got after that stack of amps fell on him.”
At press time, a Lifetime Achievement award was given to beloved doorman Mick Freeman for his thirty years of selfless service to the punk community pretending to check IDs at venue doors despite being legally blind.