LOS ANGELES — Hallmark revealed that their latest holiday movie titled “The Christmas Stud” will feature a punk scene veteran opening a piercing shop in a small cozy town, confirmed mildly interested sources.
“It’s about a scene vet named Spike Mayhem who returns to their hometown of Chestnut Grove, New York and opens a piercing shop to the shock and horror of the town locals,” said Stephen Parker, the writer and director of the film. “I had the idea for the script when I was working at a piercing shop and I was threading this barbell through this guy’s anus and all I could think was, ‘there’s a Hallmark movie in here somewhere.’ Anyway, the film concludes in typical weepy fashion with the townsfolk accepting Spike into their community as they line up to have their septums pierced. I would have included a romance for our main character, but unfortunately, punks do not experience love.”
This is a first for Hallmark whose movies usually feature young attractive people running bookstores and cafes.
“We’re very proud of ‘The Christmas Stud,’” said Hallmark’s CEO, Mike Perry. “The movie is going to introduce a really fresh feel to our brand and it’s a great opportunity to highlight a group of people who are often understood as the gross genital warts of society. On top of that, we even have a goth holiday movie in the works where the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future visit the singer of Bauhaus, but no lessons are learned because they all just hang out and shoot the shit. We are breaking ground here.”
Punk icon Richard Hell was enthused about the movie, noting that this could mark an interesting shift within the scene itself.
“Finally, a Hallmark movie geared toward me, specifically,” said Hell. “Hallmark is the new punk rock! People keep saying how their movies are super fucking repetitive and cookie cutter. You know what else is super fucking repetitive? Punk music! Three chords, we hate authority, blah blah blah. What we need most right now to change things up is a Hallmark movie. Then a Lifetime feature. And our own section at Michael’s. We must infiltrate the ‘60-year-old mom’ market in every facet.”
At press time, Hallmark announced that there is already plans for a sequel based on the Dead Kennedys song “Too Drunk To Fuck.”