CANTON, Conn. — A local canine owner was stunned to see that his neighborhood’s dog park was completely overrun by opossums owned by dedicated members of the punk community, nervous sources confirmed while Googling “rabies how get.”
“I mean, no exaggeration, there were like two dozen opossums just scurrying around this park, cheered on by their bizarre masters. It was unnerving. I had to keep my lab-mix Fletcher on a short leash just because I didn’t trust anything about my surroundings. And, I’m talking about the freaks hanging out who apparently owned these pests, as well,” said new-to-the-area Seth Cupertino. “I swear at least a few of them were rabid… Again, I mean the owners, not necessarily the opossums. Oh, and speaking of! Don’t call those things just ‘possums’ either. Hoo boy, the owners hate that. I guess those are only in Australia or something? Either way, creepy if you ask me. ”
Local installation artist and devout opossum owner Parveth “Pinner” Harkwell expressed his affinity for the non-traditional pet.
“They make great companions, especially if you don’t want lots of other humans around bothering you,” said a relaxed Harkwell, as one of his three blue-ribbon eating opossums nestled into his lap. “When some argue that me and my friends ‘took over’ the dog park with our pets, I simply extend a hand and say their dogs are welcome to play with my ‘Opie’ or his sister ‘Hiss America.’ Just don’t be put off if they start roughhousing a little bit. Snarling and skittering around and generally unsettling everyone around them to the point of disgust is just how they play. Isn’t it, boy? Isn’t it? Aw…”
Local PetCo employee Sheila Grebin states that the prevalence of the marsupial led to a complete store overhaul.
“Oh, corporate came in and added a whole wing dedicated to the opossum owners in the area. Yeah, got rid of all the bird stuff to make way for it, too, so my apologies to any parakeet owners in the Farmington Valley area,” said Grebin, as she dumped the morning shift trash can out into the opossum aisle. “I don’t mind stocking the products, I just wish more of our customers would purchase the grooming items. We’re backed up on opossum shampoo and conditioner, and when they bring in the little guys to sniff around, man, do they seem to need some help with hygiene. But, I guess, it’s like the old saying goes: ‘like owner, like pet,’ y’know?”
At press time, Cupertino was seen frantically searching for his dog, after witnessing five opossums dabbing the side of their mouths and belching.