MOORPARK, Calif. — Local charitable punk Branden Shaffer helped raise an unprecedented number of individual cigarettes during a holiday donation drive, according to coughing sources.
“It’s great to see our community support each other,” said Shaffer, between drags. “There are already food banks and clothing drives for the needy, but who is going to provide our neighbors these forgotten tobacco essentials? We created Spare Smokes so those households blessed with a full pack can share with the less fortunate who need to bum one. Even if you can only spare a few loosies from that crushed pack in your pocket, that small act could change the lives of a struggling family with no source of nicotine until payday. And these 20,000 cigarettes will ensure that dozens of local families won’t have to worry about where their next puff will come from.”
One donor spoke from personal experience of the organization’s philanthropy.
“It wasn’t that long ago that I struggled with cigarette insecurity,” shared Clark Rivas, before dropping a handful of Marlboros into the drive’s donation bin. “But Spare Smokes was there for us in my family’s time of need. They made sure our home was filled with the haze and comforting smell of smoke during a holiday season when we couldn’t even afford to roll our own. But now that I’m back on my feet, I can buy a fresh pack every morning. It’s an honor to give back to my community, one American Spirit at a time.”
This often-unfulfilled need for nicotine has been studied by Alex Mora, an economist familiar with the cigarette drive.
“Have you seen the price of a pack of smokes lately?” Mora shouted, while gesturing that he needed to borrow a lighter. “It’s over ten bucks a pack at the gas station, even for the shitty ones! The average smoker spends several hundred dollars per month just to meet their basic needs. We’ve had reports of some families going days at a time without a single Parliament Light just to afford the rising costs of groceries, rent, and beer. With no government systems in place to assist with this basic necessity, many are dependent on the goodwill of their community to have any cigs at all. If only there was a Universal Basic Cigarette policy in place.”
At press time, Shaffer was seen trying to salvage what was left of the donated cigarettes after accidentally spilling a full beer into the collection bin.