WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to continue to destroy Earth with little obstruction, cigar-smoking sources confirmed.
“There are only two things standing in our way right now. One of them is Kamala Harris and we are convinced we can get her to play ball if she’s elected, the other is that pesky Captain Planet and his love for all living things. His appreciation of nature’s majesty makes me physically ill and I can’t wait to capture him and burn him alive inside a stack of old tires,” said The Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts while dumping large pieces of styrofoam into a river. “I’m close friends with Hoggish Greedly and the way Captain Planet treats him is shameful. Hoggish is a titan of industry who creates jobs. Captain Planet and the Planeteers are just a bunch of radical liberals who hate the American way of life.”
Linka, the Planeteer who has the power of wind, says she is well aware that they are being targeted ahead of the 2024 election.
“All of us Planeteers were doxxed last year and ever since then we have these mouth-breathing goons outside our apartments fucking with our recycling bins and e-bikes,” said Linka. “Some of them are pretty aggressive. But thankfully they are all so out of shape they can never actually catch me. I just do a light jog down the block and then they get winded and scream some nonsense about personal liberties. I’ve been a Planeteer for over 30 years, I thought things would be better by now.”
Captain Planet himself issued a stern statement to The Heritage Foundation after being summoned by the Planeteers.
“All I want to do is spread a message of love and have all of humanity live in harmony within the beauty of nature, but these Project 2025 queefs are getting on my last nerve,” said the green-haired superhero. “You fuck with the Earth you fuck with me. Gaia has instructed me to start laying waste to anyone who continues to pollute our planet. The funny thing is I’m mother-fucking invincible, I can survive in fucking space. These people can’t destroy me. But I can cave their fucking faces in with one punch, and I might just have to start exploding some heads.”
At press time, The Heritage Foundation was thrilled to announce they received a sizable donation from billionaire Bruce Wayne.