DENVER — A group of left-leaning bank robbers decided to start a recent holdup by acknowledging the crime they were committing was happening on land stolen from Indigenous people, confirmed sources who agree that it is becoming more and more important to recognize our crimes of the past.
“Alright, nobody try to be a hero,” lead robber Jacob Hartley said. “But before we get this started, I’d just like to acknowledge that we are in fact on native land, and everything we have here is because of a genocide that happened years ago. With this in mind, it is our duty now to all agree to treat this land and its inhabitants as mindfully and respectfully as possible, please raise your hands if you agree. Now everybody get on the fucking ground or I’ll blow your fucking brains all over the wall!”
This simple, yet meaningful gesture was enough to catch the attention of even the hostages, despite having much more pressing matters to focus on.
“I thought it was just brilliant!” said Sandra Anders, a particularly wealthy-looking white hostage. “It really speaks to their characters that they would take the time to do something like this. Really, that is what our society needs more of! I myself try to be as inclusive as possible with the minority and lower-class children at my sons’ private school. I just wish my kids could be here now to see such incredible role models at work.”
While this act received much praise, there were some people who were not happy with this progressive attitude.
“I just don’t understand why this woke shit has gotta be everywhere these days!” Exclaimed Judd Daniels, somebody’s uncle, waiting just on the other side of the police tape. “Can’t we just get fucking on with it? Now listen, I’m perfectly fine with the Indians, but do we really have to be apologizing to them all the time? It’s not like I killed their grandparents! They seem fine! They’ve got their spaces, we’ve got ours, whatever! When is the SWAT team headed in? That’s when this shit gets good!”
At press time, Hartley was seen wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt before burglarizing a Black-owned business.