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Priest Officiating Wedding Pronounces Influencer Couple “Wife Guy and Wife”

LOS ANGELES — Local priest Father Charles Bovie recently pronounced newlywed social media influencers “wife guy and wife” during their wedding ceremony, doomscrolling sources confirmed. 

“It’s time to leave my ‘boyfriend boy’ phase behind and marry someone who’s close enough to my soulmate,” said newly christened “wife guy” Chase Garmin. “I’ve already got my next two dozen posts planned out. The first six will be from the wedding itself and each one will contain no less than eight paragraphs about how lucky I am that I get to be married to my third or fourth best friend. Then I’ll release a handful of reels that feature professionally choreographed dances with my partner in crime. And, of course, I can’t wait to pop off a few ‘my wife’ Borat voice bits in my stories. I just hope this marriage lasts, because I don’t think I want to be known as a ‘divorce guy’ online.” 

Father Bovie seemed almost reluctant to refer to Garmin as that term. 

“He really, really wanted me to use ‘wife guy’ instead of ‘husband’ at the end of the ceremony, and I didn’t see anything in the Bible that said I couldn’t use that phrase specifically,” said Bovie. “Usually my part takes about 15 minutes and I’m then out of there because weddings kind of freak me out, but this guy had us redo and reshoot several takes for what he called ‘the gram.’ Even had to do the ‘I now pronounce you part’ a good 20 times before he was satisfied with the lighting. I almost miss the old days when the husband did not care at all about being married. We’re living unprecedented times.”

Couples counselor Judith Lichtenstein noted that Garmin’s behavior isn’t unique among certain demographics. 

“These types of men love to romanticize romance as if they’re trying to convince themselves it’s what they want,” said Lichtenstein. “But fitting into an internet persona is kind of a must if you want to get noticed online. Not only do you have your standard wife guys, but you also have entrepreneur bros, fitfluencers, floppy hat free spirits, hike dudes, backward hat crypto bruhs, meme teens, motivational males, van lifers, tiny beanie photographers, exhausted parents, and corgis. And you have to pick one, or else you’ll be stuck with 34 followers max.”

In related news, a nearby millennial couple was seen filming a gender reveal party for their new houseplant.