LOS ANGELES — The recently-released porn parody of edgy and controversial teen drama “Euphoria,” titled “Screw-phoria,” is stirring controversy for being “lame” and “weirdly wholesome” compared to the hyper-sexual mainstream show it’s based on, horny sources confirmed.
“So I play teen drug-dealer Fezco,” explained porn actor Rocco Cockslinger, 41. “And to be honest, I‘m shocked by the backlash our little porn is being met with. I thought what we did was pretty hardcore. But apparently, hamfisted references to ‘Euphoria,’ interlaced with sucking, fucking, and facesitting, isn’t enough to satisfy the sick and twisted sensibility of Gen Z. I’m expecting we will make upwards of 100 sequels to this film and I plan on bringing out some sex positions that have been banned in the European Union, if that doesn’t satisfy these degenerates I don’t know what will.”
Despite the criticism of “Screw-phoria,” teenage “Euphoria” obsessive Anaisha Kaur revealed a surprising affection for it.
“After I’ve watched an episode of the real show, my mind is going crazy, like I’m on drugs or something,” said Kaur. “I’m full of this intense, painful love for the characters, I feel their traumas viscerally, my whole body aches, and frankly, I’m as moist as a Clorox wipe inside a bottle of lotion down there. So, I’ve started watching ‘Screw-phoria’ straight afterward to calm me down. Maybe growing up on the Internet has totally desensitized me to porn, but it’s so pleasant and unstimulating and I just let it wash over me. I’ve even started using it in place of my white noise machine at night, and usually I’m asleep before Fezco says ‘climb onto my hog, babycakes – let’s burn rubber.’”
“Screw-phoria” director and self-styled “erotic auteur” Keith Runcible, 63, talked about his other teen drama-inspired parodies, and the similarly tepid receptions they have received.
“Honestly, I despair. I poured my heart and soul into ‘Sweaty & Veronica,’ my back-to-basics porn tribute to ‘Riverdale’ — only for it to be described as ‘cartoonish’,” said Runcible. “Then we made ’69 Reasons Why,’ which accidentally got uploaded to YouTube, and somehow didn’t trigger any content warnings. It’s still up on there — with twelve views and one comment that just says ‘came here with suicidal ideation, left laughing my ass off, thanks, guys.’ Well, I can only hope that we’ll be able to turn things around with the seven other episodes of ‘Screw-phoria’ that we have in the can.”
At press time, it was reported that Rocco Cockslinger had joined the cast of a local production of “Grease,” after his “Screw-phoria” performance had earmarked him as a perfect fit for the role of Kenickie.