NEW YORK — New York Police Department officers deployed Axe Body Spray against a group of crust punk protesters after what they called a “bio-chemical provocation.”
Several dozen demonstrators were hospitalized after being exposed to the men’s fragrance. Injuries vary widely based on the proximity to the blast, but early reports are indicating protesters are already suffering from side effects such as a sudden affinity toward plaid shorts, uncontrollable use of the word “bro” and a strong craving for Coors Light.
The violence erupted after nearly two hundred crust and anarcho-punks took to the streets to demonstrate against a recent city ordinance requiring all dogs must be properly vaccinated and identified.
“These dogs live on a steady diet of discarded street food and can often be found in crowded basements or garages where loud, horrible music is played,” New York animal control officer Susan Branch said. “For the safety of the animals and the residents of this great city, we need to properly identify and care for these animals. Simply writing the dogs name on a stained bandana just doesn’t cut it.”
While the city claims it is simply a matter of public safety, the protestors claim that the new ordinance violates their First Amendment rights. As one demonstrator, who chose to remain anonymous out of fear of government retaliation for the lyrics on his band’s tape demo, put it, “My dog doesn’t want to be part of your capitalist system; if Darby wants to remain anonymous, he should be allowed to.”
“My dog doesn’t want to be part of your capitalist system; if Darby wants to remain anonymous, he should be allowed to.”
Anonymous crust punk protester
Another protester, who would only identify himself as “Nuggets”, claims that he was hit directly by the blast. “I reek like a frat house, bro,” Nuggets said. “If I wanted to smell like this all the time, I would have finished my marketing degree.”
Anna Wilson, 67, lives in the area and witnessed the crackdown. She told The Hard Times, “To be honest, I’m not sure which is worse: the body odor of these protesters or the spray. It’s like burning cheap potpourri in a sewer.”
A law enforcement official, who spoke under the condition of anonymity, defended the use of the popular body spray in corralling the protesters. “We have proven time and again we aren’t afraid of chemical warfare in situations like this; pepper spray and rubber bullets can’t penetrate the dreadlocks and Crass patches. We needed to make them smell like a lacrosse team to restore order.”