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Polar Vortex Expected to Lower Temperature Inside Venue to Bone Chilling 89 Degrees

RACINE, Wisc. — Climate scientists predict that some indoor DIY music venue temperatures will plummet to a record low of less than 90 degrees, due to the polar vortex ravaging the Midwest and Northeast U.S.

“The average temperature of a punk show usually ranges anywhere between a comfortable 104 and 115 degrees. But with this weather pattern, we might see that number dip to as low as the high 80s in some places,” said meteorologist Clair Beckridge. “If you’re the type of guy who is always shirtless and only wears basketball shorts in the pit, we highly recommend you put on a T-shirt with the sleeves cut off — just to be safe until temperatures are back to normal.”

The dangerously low temperatures, which have claimed eight lives so far and closed down businesses and government services across the region, have forced show promoters to take drastic action.

“Last night, it was so cold in here during the Calloused Fists show, a young lady bought a shirt at the merch table and immediately put it on. I’m not sure if that was because she was actually cold, or just didn’t want to walk to her car… but, either way, we’re taking action,” said Darren Elsprey, owner and operator of a local punk venue The Maggot. “I put pieces of cardboard over three of our broken windows, and taped a trash bag over the hole in the roof. Hopefully that’ll be enough to keep this place feeling like a sauna in hell again.”

Experts urge all showgoers to remain active throughout the night to avoid any of the harmful consequences of the cold snap.

“If you are standing still and your back is not sweating profusely, you need to immediately start a circle pit, or you could catch a chill that might lead to severe injury or death,” said National Weather Service spokesperson Elliot Farmer. “Merch guys are especially vulnerable, as they typically stand still all night silently judging you for your outfit choice. Last year at this time, people were dangerously close to crossing their arms to keep warm, as opposed to maintaining a look of frosty detachment.”

At press time, gear thieves were particularly excited by a warning from the National Weather Service that read, “Overnight temperatures are expected to drop to -50 degrees. Do not make your bassist sleep in the trailer to guard your stuff, as he or she will freeze to death within minutes.”

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Photo by Matt Gill @matthewphilipgill.

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