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Pig Suspecting Punk Only Adopted It for His Kidneys

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — A domesticated pig found his life in jeopardy as he began to suspect his punk owner Kevin Gelinas only adopted him to serve as a kidney donor, sources confirmed.

“These last few weeks have been amazing. Kevin gave me free range of the property and I crap anywhere I want inside or outside of the house. But last night I overheard that news story about some guy who got a pig kidney transplant and now I’m thinking something nefarious is going on. Kevin always looks hungover despite not drinking beer in three weeks, or that he’s mentioned ‘renal failure’ more times than I’m comfortable with,” said the pig. “And here I thought I avoided the slaughterhouse. Had I known my organs were on the chopping block for a punk who treated his body like a dumpster, I’d have never let them rescue me from that circus in Arkansas. This is not what I want my legacy to be.”

The pig’s owner was trying his best to conceal his true intentions, despite the guilt getting to him.

“I didn’t mean for Sir Hamlet to become an organ surrogate. But 15 years of Old Milwaukee and gas station food took its toll, and if I’m going to make it to 35 then I need those damn kidneys,” said Gelinas. “It’s just that I have tickets for Riot Fest in September but I’m like 500th in line on the donor list, plus my family has flat-out refused to donate any of their kidneys despite me offering as much as 20 bucks for one. So my options are limited if I want to go and actually have a good time. I hope he knows it’s nothing personal.”

Geneticists responsible for the medical breakthroughs of cross-species organ transplants have urged extreme caution regarding the procedure.

“These fucking people. Listen, in order for these organs to be viable we need to heavily modify them so that human bodies accept the transplant. It’s not like we swing by the petting zoo while patients are being prepped for surgery,” said Dr. Julian Keller. “There are many moral implications in adopting animals for the sole purpose of being organ donors, and even more issues with people thinking they’ll gain the powers of those animals. As cool as it sounds, it’s just not how science works. At least not yet.”

As of press time, the pig bolted through the backyard fence after finding a letter from Gelinas’ insurance company in the trash saying he’s not covered for dialysis.