PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong Philadelphia Eagles fan Michael Catalano passed down his father’s beloved pack of throwing batteries to his son Anthony for his trip to Super Bowl LVII, family sources confirmed this morning.
“Our family has been throwing these batteries since 1972 — I got them from my old man when he passed away after a long and painful battle with some drunk moron at Oscar’s Tavern,” said Mr. Catalano. “Our batteries have been chucked at some of the most athletic skulls in the world: Sidney Crosby, Tom Brady, J.D. Drew… and this one hot-shot at the pitch-and-putt. But my old man’s dream over the past few seasons has been to absolutely annihilate that State Farm-shilling chump Patrick Mahomes.”
When Anthony scored tickets to see the Eagles in the Super Bowl on Sunday, the elder Catalano knew it was time to pass along the heirloom batteries.
“Somewhere, up above — or, more realistically, down below — I know Pops is smiling on his grandson, hoping he smashes up pretty-boy Mahomes’ face real good,” said the proud father. “It’s time for me to let them go. I can’t put the heat on them like I used to; my accuracy is gone. Anthony was a hell of a pitcher in Little League. I know he’ll do some damage with the Catalano D-size ‘Mini Missiles.’”
Some, however, including self-proclaimed “Chiefs mega-fan” who only really started following the team in 2020, Shannon Connelley, aren’t thrilled by the Catalano tradition.
“I’d like to think those battery throwin’ tool bags are in the minority, but we all know that every mouth-breathing Philly sports fan is a greased-pole climbing, drunken hooligan. Hell, their team hasn’t even beaten anyone good yet, besides all those good teams with winning records they demolished,” said Connelley. “These no-BBQ cooking schmucks threw snowballs at Santa Claus. If I saw them disrespecting Santa in person, I’d glare at them from a safe distance so hard.”
Meanwhile, Glendale, Arizona mayor Jerry Weiers offered this advice to visiting Eagles fans like Catalano.
“Honestly, I don’t care how these fans behave. It’s just nice to have a competent football team in Arizona again. It’s been way too long,’” said Weiers. “And as mayor of the most boring city in the most boring state, I’m so happy to have the Super Bowl break up the monotony that I don’t care what happens to our town. Burn this fucker to the ground, bird gang.”
At press time, Anthony Catalano is allegedly drunk and shirtless in downtown Glendale, screaming, “Fuck the Cowboys.”