CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local forklift driver Kenny Avalon couldn’t resist the urge to show you a Facebook video of a bunch of guys playing Metallica’s…
MOAB, Utah — Local sociopath and murder enthusiast Greg Allen Hargrove reportedly left his favorite blade casually hanging over the side of the sink Tuesday…
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Second Amendment enthusiast Greg Browner reportedly sprang into action today after the advice “only a good guy with a gun can stop…
SAN FRANCISCO — Leftist software engineer Connor Newburg vocally expressed wishing that he could travel back in time to kill baby MechaHitler, the name that…
PHILADELPHIA — University of Pennsylvania graduate Nathan Swain says he’s been inundated with calls from recruiters since completing his degree in prison architecture, jealous sources…
PORTLAND, Maine — Cardiac surgeon and punk rocker Dr. David “Cutter” Peters mistakenly left a pack of cigarettes inside patient Dwight Holcomb during a heart…
FORT MYERS, Fla. — Up and coming MAGA rapper Shilla Flo found his career reaching new heights after sexual harassment accusations from multiple women were…
TRENTON, N.J. — Local virtual dominatrix Vixen Velvetlash was caught on Zoom wearing pants, shocking the BDSM community, confirmed disappointed sources. “I feel violated and…
WASHINGTON — Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited President Trump at the White House today and gifted him the remains of an infant killed by…
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Local right-wing conservative Tom Rospin wore a MAGA hat to the airport to let the flight crew know in advance that…
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his orifices with silica gel packets,…
BLACKWELL, Okla. — Local man Darren McFadden was ready to take on his day after his Instagram algorithm fed him several consecutive Reels of horrific…
AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources. “I…
WICHITA, Kan. — Local 62-year-old dad Carl Strungis reportedly spends hours glued to The History Channel, absorbing absolutely nothing except the vague sense that explosions…
SARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout,…