MINNEAPOLIS — Retail giant Target announced a last ditch effort to win back support from the LGBTQ+ community by revealing their beloved mascot Bullseye is…
TACOMA, Wash. — Local cash-strapped punk father Eric Mallory was left with no other choice but to boil and eat the multicolored pasta necklace his…
WASHINGTON — President Trump kicked off his birthday parade today with a 21-gun salute fired into a crowd of ‘No Kings’ protestors, sources confirmed. “The…
YAPHANK, N.Y. — Local Donald Trump supporter Andy Damiano made something of a stir on his block after erecting a modified version of Old Glory…
PITTSBURGH — A punk-themed YouTube show called “Huff Ones” where guests inhale volatile substances is gaining popularity despite warnings from health officials, according to sources.…
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta announced a new partnership this week with UPS to physically mail high-gloss, full-color photographs of Adolf Hitler directly to the…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local muralist Tyler Vantucci recently declared himself “New Jersey sober,” a lifestyle he describes as “totally clean, except for found cigarettes,…
GILLETTE, Wyo. — Local hipster LDS adherent Rafter Barlow, who prefers the term “Josephite” over “Mormon,” is a faithful servant of god, a loyal church…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to further quell any protests about his immigration policy by releasing thousands of AI-generated photos of himself on Facebook…
NEW YORK — Columbia University agreed to re-hire several prominent phrenologists in a bid to quell President Trump’s threat of federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.…
PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that…
LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your…
NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed uneasy sources. “We’re going to…
WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex…
GREENVILLE, N.C. — Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson announced plans to expand his empire into the pharmaceutical market with new Plan B-eastables emergency contraceptive pills, sources…
