LONDON – Negotiator Peter Franks decided to take on the much easier job of finally getting Israel to agree to a ceasefire with Hamas after…
DENVER — Local man Davey Hilton was “severely bummed” upon learning his new roommate, Nina McKenna, was the “intrusive thoughts” variety of OCD, instead of…
WASHINGTON – Experts at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recently claimed that depressed people will no longer have to make the lengthy trek to…
WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandatory-viewing Giant Desk Concerts, according…
TOPEKA, Kan. – Local boring millennial Harley Shun admitted that he is horribly embarrassed by his drunken antics which made him enjoyable to be around…
CARMEL, Ind. — Wells Fargo Bank announced the acquisition of a quaint two bedroom to settle down and raise little banks, sources who couldn’t catch…
VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Legendary music journalist Nardwuar was gently but sternly escorted out of a gentlemen’s club last night for addressing the performers by…
ELK GROVE, Calif. — Local man Ron Gibbard finally added buddy Jake Monroe to his contact list on his phone despite three years of friendship…
CHICAGO — Guitarist and exhausted activist Tom Morello faxed in his protest of the Democratic National Convention report disappointed political activists and Rage Against the…
GLENDALE, Calif. — Self-professed 36-year-old “film connoisseur” Bobby Colina’s bad day was salvaged by an accidental Good Samaritan calling him a hipster, sources report. “To…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored drinks despite the fact his…
Someone has to say it: Dan Schneider is a piece of shit. He has recently faced significant media coverage and scrutiny over allegations of inappropriate…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local new age lifestyle hippie Moon Sage was forced to reconsider his family’s eating habits after learning the placenta he’s currently eating…
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A judge set the trial date for Martin Ernick, a concertgoer who allegedly showed his entrance ticket to the bouncer who was…
Threads Users Hearing Rumors That Biden Is Considering Dropping Out of Presidential Race
SAN FRANCISCO — Users on the social media platform Threads were recently abuzz with news that President Joe Biden might be considering dropping out of…