LOS ANGELES — Local ICE agent Mitch Holsen admitted he wept a few tears of joy after receiving an emotional letter from a kindergartner detailing…
WASHINGTON — The servers for a new Nazi dating app called Thousand-Year Romance crashed during a recent convention for officers and new recruits late last…
MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Prolific serial killer Earl Hadley expressed hope that his crimes would at least inspire the lyrics to some metal songs after Netflix…
SAN FRANCISCO — Popular rideshare app Uber announced a new feature that would match intoxicated riders with intoxicated drivers, confirmed sources who were already five…
HAWTHORNE, Calif. — A mechanical engineer at SpaceX spontaneously exploded while quietly working on a CAD drawing, according to blood-spattered sources. “The noise and spray…
MINNEAPOLIS — The appearance of an unremarkable cloud in the sky enraged pedestrians in Uptown, prompting a police response in a part of the city…
EASTON, Md. — Local misogynist Bryce Turner is starting to suspect that he, in addition to MSNBC, are to blame for his inability to convince…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jason Ulbrych was arrested after being accused of selling burned CDs out of his locker full of MP3s he downloaded…
WASHINGTON — President Trump threatened the residents of the nation’s capital by saying that if they don’t fall in line and obey the orders of…
LOS ANGELES — Emergency crews were dispatched to the newly opened Tesla Diner after six patrons were left with life-threatening injuries as a result of…
ORLAND PARK, Ill. — Local 17-year-old Nick Stultus espoused his libertarian philosophies in every social interaction, even if doing so prevented him from being invited…
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local man Jerry Whipple, a self-described red-blooded, god-fearing follower of Christ, was outraged when he noticed all of the parts of…
WILLOW WIND HOLLOW — The animal population of a wooded glen was less than surprised when their mayoral election results yielded a landslide win for…
LOS ANGELES — Famed skateboarder Tony Hawk revealed that he really only got into skateboarding after playing countless hours of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3,…
NEW YORK — Longtime hugging volunteer Andy Spencer recently joined in on the trend of asking for gratuities along with his charity services, local sources…