SEQUIM, Wash. — Local audiophile and longtime smoker Dale McGovern preferred the crackling sound and imperfections of cigarettes to the glossy frequency of a vape,…
U.S. ROUTE 49, Miss. — Local punk and guitar virtuoso Drennen Boydell decided to sell his soul to the Devil in exchange for getting worse…
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, medical pioneer who received the world’s first experimental rat penis transplant, announced today that the social media…
THE LABYRINTH — Residents of a crust punk house were seemingly unaware that they were inhabiting the Cenobite dimension, terrified sources confirmed. “I woke up…
PALO ALTO, Calif. — A new report out of Stanford University reported that 70% of the average punk’s hydration is sourced from the melted ice…
TAMPA, Fla. — Local 19-year-old Cody Carson reportedly declared his advanced vape expertise by writing “mechanic” on his otherwise quite short resume, confirmed sources. “Yeah,…
FISHERS, Ind. — A small group hosted an intervention recently to help their friend Krista Simmons who has become a sober influencer, distraught and slightly…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local resident Calvin Davenport continues to experience unprecedented levels of euphoria nearly a decade after successfully recommending midwest emo band Dad Pants…
NEW YORK — Chaos and panic overwhelmed Times Square after the famous New Year’s Eve ball unexpectedly hatched causing revelers to be showered with millions…
NEW YORK — Total loser Jay Draboll plans to spend his entire New Year’s Eve partying with friends in what will be deemed an unforgettable…
BOULDER, Colo. — Local man Turner Eaton was seen standing in the soap aisle of CVS, debating whether to purchase body wash that would make…
EATONTOWN, N.J. — Local man Brian Johanssen admitted that he is still grieving the loss of his favorite radio station despite the fact it went…
ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Local man Jullian Karnes is hopeful for a war waged by the working class towards the wealthy elite this Christmas, but will…
GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local angsty teen goth hang and ironic t-shirt purveyor Hot Topic traded one of their employees to the more age-appropriate Ann Taylor…
SAN MATEO, Calif. – President-elect Donald Trump announced via Truth Social his intention to remove “any and all” federal protections for the near-extinct Aquabats. “It’s…