DETROIT — Paula Thorne and Jesse Riggins, the only two frequently on-time people in a friend group, are reportedly absolutely sick of hanging out with one another for hours while they wait for everyone else to show up, sources who were running a bit late confirmed.
“Shit, Jesse is going to be here any minute,” said the always-five-minutes-early Paula Thorne. “We have a group of 10-plus friends that hang out every week to play board games or do trivia, and it’s always at 7:30. Fucking Jesse and I are the only ones who show up then and I have to talk to him about model trains, the trip he took to Japan six years ago, and his VHS horror movie collection. I feel like it’s the same thing each time and I’ve exhausted every possible thing to say about them. He’s a friend of a friend of a former roommate and I have to make awkward small talk about my dog and hockey until someone I actually like shows up in half an hour. God damnit, here he is.”
The consistently late members of the friend group seemed to have no clue about the tension.
“It’s so nice of them to hold the table for 30 to 40 minutes until a third member of the group shows up,” said eternally tardy Tyler Wendt. “When I roll up a little past eight they’re always looking at their phones so it’s not like they’re bored or anything. I’m just glad I was able to combine my friend groups and now there are two people in the group who can nab us a good spot. I once tried to get to an event early once, but ended up being the very last person there. I’ll never try that again.”
Although most of the group’s lateness can be seen as disrespectful, it is apparently an essential quality to have.
“Never show up on time,” explained sociologist Rhea Quigley. “Every grouping needs to have a couple suckers who have to chit-chat and arrive on time, don’t be that sucker. It’s a game of brinkmanship where every person should be trying to arrive as late as possible to minimize the amount of time they have to talk to any one person. That’s why I show up two hours late to lectures I have to present.”
At press time, the two punctual friends did shots to be able to better stand one another after half of the group canceled on them a few minutes before they were supposed to show up.