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Online Dinner Recipe a Fucking Novel for Some Reason

PHILADELPHIA — An online dinner recipe for a simple, vegan-friendly lentil soup has allegedly been written as a “fucking novel for some reason,” hungry sources confirmed late last night.

“I used to love food blogs,” said 34-year-old amateur chef Alex Ford, endlessly scrolling through page after page of meandering writing. “But, for fuck’s sake, why is this so long? I didn’t realize fastandvegan.com had Ernest Hemingway on staff. I just need to know what lentils to purchase.”

While upset, Ford privately admitted the recipe captivated him at points.

“To be honest, this part of the recipe is getting pretty good — the protagonist is at the doctor’s office to get her diagnosis, but the doctor is actually her husband’s mistress,” said Ford, adjusting his glasses and his tofu down to a low simmer. “I have to see where this goes, and whether I need to borrow an immersion blender.”

Literary critic and New York Times Book Review contributor Stefanie Milheisner noted many Americans struggle to finish recipes.

“On average, most Americans have half-finished reading six different recipes at any given time. I recommend easy, light recipes and self-help recipes — short enough to read on a commute, yet lighthearted,” Milheisner suggested. “Try finding recipes with which to curl up next to a fireplace. You don’t want it to feel like a fucking chore when all you want is to set your oven’s temperature.”

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Food blogger and diarist Karina Boulard defended narrative recipes, claiming most people are equally hungry for nourishment and content about her fun-loving family of four.

“You don’t just come to my website to learn how to make deviled eggs,” Boulard said. “You come to be immersed my weekend with my 6-year-old twins, my husband’s infected toenail, and what my therapist thinks of my relationship with my father.”

She later added, “Only then will you see an ingredient list, and that’s after clicking on two or three links to get to the other website that actually has the recipe.”

Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.

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