TUCSON — Local Man Steven Barnes threw away the progress of nine full years of therapy to pursue a brief shot at sweet revenge against someone who once slighted him, sources confirmed.
“When I saw the son of a bitch that betrayed me all those years ago, I knew I had a choice—trust in the years of hard work I forged through therapy to find peace within myself, or spoil all that growth for the short-lived satisfaction of revenge. Well the choice was obvious, and I’m happy to report that I finally got his ass,” said Barnes, cackling uncontrollably hours later. “You should have seen the look on that dumb bastard’s face when airport security stopped him for the cocaine I slipped in his pocket. That’ll teach him to steal my lunch out of the work fridge fifteen years ago.”
Barnes’ therapist, Paul Cornwell, was reportedly dismayed that after nearly a decade working together, his longtime patient still wasn’t able to resist his more harmful urges.
“I’m just disappointed in Steven—so many breakthroughs, so many long hours spent together and he throws all that progress away just to satisfy some fleeting, primal urge. Well, I’m more than just disappointed—I’m pissed, and I’ll have my revenge on Steven for wasting my time, even if it takes another nine long years,” said Cornwell, hanging a picture of Steven on his dart board. “I’ll bide my time and continue to learn about his greatest strengths and weaknesses during our sessions, and when he least expects it, BAM! I’ll plant his fingerprints at a crime scene.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Bernadette Logan explained that the intoxicating allure of revenge has motivated scores of people throughout history.
“Revenge as a motivating factor is as old as humanity. Examples include Donald Trump’s three presidential campaigns, Bill Gates’ software empire, and Genghis Khan sweeping across the Mongolian steppes conquering millions because someone once made fun of his hairline,” said Dr. Logan, changing slides on a powerpoint presentation. “Even some of the earliest cave paintings depict a caveman getting shit on by a mammoth, no doubt provoked by someone that wronged the primitive artist in some way. Hell, I got my doctorate to get back at my Dad who said I was gonna be flipping burgers for the rest of my life. I’m still paying off my student loans and he’s pissed that I’m not a medical doctor, so maybe we’ll call that one a draw.”
At press time, Dr. Logan had hired someone to break into her dad’s house and move his furniture by a few inches each week to slowly drive him insane.