ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local deadbeat Griffin Carson adopted the stance of vinyl-only “audiophile” coinciding with his ex-girlfriend’s understandable decision to remove him from her Spotify Premium plan, sources confirmed while agreeing “good for her.”
“Actually, I don’t miss the endless library of easily-accessible music always at my fingertips at all. I actually despised how simple it was to make shareable playlists. Who even needs that?” gasped a frazzled Carson, as he put on the bravest face we’ve ever seen. “I far prefer the scratchiness and limited scope of my record collection, which I’m proud to say now numbers in the multiple dozens! Plus, I’m getting in shape by upping my step count from walking over and flipping the sides. Yup, doing pretty well if you ask me.”
Spotify user and Carson’s ex-girlfriend, Priscilla Ruggles, defended her decision to move on.
“Oh, I definitely would have let him stay on the plan if he’d have just split the monthly fee with me. I don’t wish him any ill-will, but I can’t just let him ride my coattails. I just wish he’d stop acting like he cares about sound quality and artist’s residuals and shit like that,” said a calm Ruggles, who is clearly feeling better than she has in a long time. “But Griffin was always pretty performative, and if there’s one place he loved being, it was up on his high horse. Hey, more power to him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a weekly curated mix that I can listen to while walking around outside to enjoy.”
Spotify CEO Daniel Ek is fearful that the recurring “jettisoned-ex” situation is ruining his company.
“Man, this scourge of lowlife ex-boyfriends is really making a dent in our financials, year after year. For every split-up couple that keeps their account, there are nine that say ‘to hell with him and to hell with the music and podcasts he liked.’ It’s a pretty harrowing state of affairs,” said Ek, while kicking a street musician as if by instinct. “Hell, I might even have to resort to making a new ‘Ek’s exes’ membership plan for losers whose ex-partners have wised up and removed them in an effort to forge a new life path just so we can keep a few of these ding-dongs paying for our services. Wish us luck. If it’s anyone that has it hard in this industry, it’s we Spotify CEOs.”
At press time, Carson had been reduced to pretending that he only cared to listen to ambient sound and birdsong, as Ruggles remembered his turntable and most of his records were hers, too.