WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video of a Mexican kid’s birthday party, sources confirmed.
“Look at little Guillermo smugly enjoying his birthday party, not a care in the world—that should be your cake, your nine-year old friends, your loving family singing you happy birthday, but instead this border hopping piece of shit took all that from you,” said ICE recruiter Clark Gibson, shouting over the Saliva soundtrack. “So what are we gonna do about it, huh? Sit back and let violent hordes of nine-year old illegals steal our birthday presents? Or are we gonna raid this Chuck E. Cheese, kick some grade school ass, and break up some motherfuckin’ families?”
Clint Hendricks, director of the recruitment video, broke down the artistic decisions that brought his vision to life.
“When I was conceptualizing this video I really wanted to show that the ICE agency is radical law enforcement for the Trump era, coming down with the new style, and you know it’s buck wild,” said Hendricks, stroking his soul patch. “See the pinata represents the American dream, which the foreign children beat with sticks until they can steal everything for themselves. And here you’ll notice the tasteful use of crosshairs over the kid’s pregnant aunt. Now some critics have complained that the use of ‘Click, Click, Boom’ might suggest we’re promoting violence towards children, and to those people I would say: we originally wanted ‘Seek and Destroy,’ but getting the rights from Metallica was way too expensive.”
ICE Director Todd Lyons hinted that future recruitment videos would be coming soon to boost enrollment.
“After waging trench warfare against the immigrant hordes in Los Angeles, we knew we were going to need to boost our recruitment numbers if we had any chance of eradicating this foreign contagion. Thankfully, we’ve got some new recruitment videos that make ‘Birth of a Nation’ look like ‘In the Heights,'” said Lyons. “We’re in contact with Drowning Pool to use ‘Bodies’ in a new community outreach campaign, but we’ve also got something special planned for the beginning of football season. Remember those Terry Tate: Office Linebacker commercials on ESPN? Picture that but with ICE agents brutalizing Venezuelan grandmas in a nursing home, pure cinema.”
At press time, Lyons had reportedly commissioned a new ICE training video that was just the first half of “American History X.”