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New Hyper Realistic Dildo Can’t Stay Hard and Smokes All Your Weed

NEW YORK — Luxury sex toy manufacturer Bad Vibrations claims their latest dildo, which can’t maintain a full erection and smokes the user’s entire cannabis stash during use, is the first of its kind to accurately simulate intercourse with a man.

“We went to great lengths to make sure women’s needs were realistically unmet when engineering this dildo,” said Vanessa Kent, the lead designer of the dildo. “After compiling data from nationwide focus groups, our company found that if we truly wanted to replicate the human sexual experience, we had to focus less on giving women multiple toe-curling orgasms, and more on leaving them feeling frustrated, low on weed, and concerned that they may have contracted BV for nothing.”

The disappointingly lifelike look and feel of the dildo, dubbed the Anticlimax, has been especially popular among women who married their high school sweethearts and those whose husbands travel for work.

“I really needed a sex toy to fill in on the days my husband is away on business, but all the toys I tried were way too big and powerful to resemble anything close to sex with Jared,” said Ruby Caster, a Bad Vibrations customer. “The Anticlimax makes it feel like he never left town. There’s even a setting that gets you right to the brink of having an orgasm, and then changes positions without warning. And the ‘head’ setting is just three or four weirdly fast flicks kind of near the clitoris before the battery dies out completely.”

Although females gave the Anticlimax generally favorable reviews, their male counterparts were not as enthralled, citing that the hyperrealistic sex toy left them feeling “replaceable” and “unwanted.”

 

“I used to be the guy forgetting to clip my dirty nails before fingering my girlfriend, but now she’s got a setting for that,” said Nicholas Wyatt, a disgruntled boyfriend referring to one of 20 settings featured on the Anticlimax. “Last time I checked, it was a man’s job to make his girlfriend not come. The next thing I know she’ll have that dildo forgetting her birthday and picking her up late from work. It’s only a matter of time before I’m edged out.”

The engineers at Bad Vibrations are allegedly also drawing up plans for a “pocket pussy” that just wants to cuddle while watching “The Great British Bake Off.”

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