WASHINGTON —The Department of Education announced that next year’s FAFSA application will be simplified to only ask students “Do you ski?” after a tumultuous rollout of the 2024 forms, insiders confirmed.
“We really screwed the pooch here. It’s bad. Like really bad. I mean, it’s crazy that we even got a new form to get approved by Congress. I mean, yeah, some kids this year might not be able to go to college because we couldn’t get our system figured out, but not everyone has to go to get higher education,” Justin Draeger, the president and CEO of the National Association of Student Financial Aid Administrators. “Welders are making six figures, and college grads are making $20 an hour. Anyways, this question pretty easily signifies if you grew up upper middle class. We were debating between this one, ‘Where do you buy your groceries?’ and ‘Where are you going for spring break?’ but the good old ski culture won out in the end.”
High school seniors across the country admit the new form is much easier, but has it’s own drawbacks.
“I asked my dad if I should fill out the FAFSA form, and he said no, because they just made it one bullshit question,” said Jason Smith, a Colorado native who was denied federal funding. “I’m just confused. Everyone else in Vail grew up skiing, we’re just like every other family. Like, my skis are literally so old. And I only get to buy a new winter coat every two years. This is actually prejudiced against me.”
Some have taken issue with the new move, including Anne Mason, 71.
“Kids these days have it too easy. Oh, you want a simpler student loan form? When I was going to college, we didn’t even have FAFSA. We had to pay the full $800 tuition per year all by ourselves, and pay any loans off for the next 6-12 months after we graduated,” said Mason while paying her teenage neighbor $5 to mow the lawn in front of her $1.1M home. “And frankly, the ‘ski question’ is insulting to those of us who feel that skiing is an important part of our culture.”
As of press time, government officials are now reportedly planning to use this simplified approach in the Presidential election, asking candidates the question “Did you or someone you love do something illegal?”