PORTLAND, Ore. — Local new age lifestyle hippie Moon Sage was forced to reconsider his family’s eating habits after learning the placenta he’s currently eating likely contained dangerous amounts of microplastics, grossed out family members confirmed.
“That study about finding microplastics in every placenta they tested really put my aura all out of whack. The implications for those poor newborns is terrible, but tell me what the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of this placenta I was in the middle of eating! It’s hard enough keeping my kids away from the toxins found in the food at the supermarket, now I’m wondering if any of these home births my wife had were even worth it,” said Sage. “I just hope all this placenta I’ve been getting from the health food co-op isn’t also contaminated! Where is my family supposed to get their nutrients and iron from, over the counter vitamins and red meat? Disgusting.”
Sage’s children felt that the contamination of disgusting food they’d been forced to eat just added insult to injury.
“Just once I’d like to eat chicken tenders like a normal kid. I’d probably still end up with microplastics in my nutsack but at least I won’t be eating afterbirth like some backwoods cannibalistic pioneer,” said 17-year-old Rainbow Sage. “I know my dad says it’s natural, mixes well with pasta, and is better than eating mass produced slop. He’s mostly right, but now that I know it’s poisoning us anyway we just look like idiots. At least the other homeschooled kids get to eat pizza once a week.”
Doctors around the country unanimously agreed that the level of microplastics found in utero was very alarming, but not as alarming as the fact it was being consumed.
“Listen, there is literally zero proof that placentophagy works. And I get it, all the food we consume is now tainted by heartless corporations who put profit over the health of its consumers but I think this makes it even more clear that afterbirth smoothies are gross,” said OBGYN Sarah Mullers. “Pregnant women should stick to eating organic and avoid fish and processed foods for a healthy fetus. If you really want to do something with the placenta just feed it to your dog.”
After consulting his local shaman, Moon decided the best way to offset the microplastics was by swallowing a whole bunch of crystals.