LONDON – Negotiator Peter Franks decided to take on the much easier job of finally getting Israel to agree to a ceasefire with Hamas after successfully negotiating a reunion of brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher for an Oasis reunion tour.
“The feud between the Gallaghers may have only lasted the last 15 years but it’s felt like 1,000 years with the way they were speaking about each other,” said Franks. “I’m not saying I’m a miracle worker but I figured we’d sooner see Jimi Hendrix play a live concert in the Tower of London before we’d get to see an Oasis reunion. We had to put Noel and Liam into separate shark tanks so they wouldn’t bite each other’s throats out when we brought them in to determine the details of the new concert series. After you’ve dealt with this kind of hatred it makes solving the problems in the Middle East seem like a breeze.”
Liam Gallagher seemed to be unsure if this truce with his brother was going to last.
“The reality of course is that I did nothing wrong and that us breaking up is all Noel’s fault,” said a red-faced Liam clearly trying to contain his emotions. “And of course, any suggestion that I bear any blame for this is based on false reports about our history. But I have come to realize now that our problems aren’t intractable, however, if Noel for one-second looks at me the wrong way then I will detonate the dynamite I have strapped to my chest and blow up this whole reunion with the force of a thousand champagne supernovas. Body parts and blood will be splattered all along the wonderwalls. And look I’m willing to not look back in anger this time, but I will look forward in anger if Noel does anything to fuck this up again.”
Secretary of State, guitar player, and avid Oasis fan Antony Blinken was more than happy to put aside his responsibilities for a week.
“It’s really great that Mr. Franks wants to give this whole ceasefire deal a go,” said Secretary Blinken. “Lord knows I haven’t been able to accomplish shit when it comes to getting Israel to stop dropping bombs on hospitals and schools. I guess it’s because I’m an amateur when compared to the guy who got the Gallaghers to stop fighting. This is great because I can use the time I’d normally spend getting ignored by Benjamin Netanyahu to now sit on the Ticketmaster app and hope that I can get tickets to the show.”
At press time, it was reported that Franks was able to successfully get the Koreas to reunite after accidentally butt-dialing Kim Jong Un.