SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y — Local cigar smoker Charles Morley and his group of male friends who look and act exactly like him announced their raison d’etre, much to the displeasure of literally everyone, sources covering their noses report.
“This Saturday I’m gonna put on my best hat and short sleeve button up and meet the guys down at the cigar lounge,” said Morley in between puffs of a comically large cigar. “Afterwards we’ll probably head to the horse track and smoke more cigars while holding stacks of money in our hands. Gonna be a hot one this weekend, there should be lots of women in sundresses out for us to whistle at. They never respond, but that’s just because they’re intimidated by men of such stature, especially the young ones who haven’t had the chance to get to know a real gentleman.”
Multiple female sources expressed vehement disgust at the mere thought of Morley.
“I speak for all of my friends, and probably every woman ever when I say that there is absolutely zero chance of me ever fucking a guy who smokes cigars,” said local woman Sierra Banker while trying not to throw up in her mouth. “You can tilt your fedora and call us princesses all you want, we’re still going to absolutely roast you in the group chat. Thankfully guys like that rarely ever try to actually approach you because they’re secretly self-conscious about how sweaty they are. As they should be.”
Local anthropologist Marshall Gundrey finds this particular subculture to be both vile and intriguing.
“I’ve been studying cigar smokers for years, in fact I even wrote my thesis on them,” said Gundrey. “I think they’re fascinating. They seem to be under the impression that they are exuberantly classy, yet are the most dull, boring people you’ll ever meet. They see themselves as desirable and gentlemanly yet are the most physically repulsive people I’ve ever seen. I was born without a sense of smell, so I feel like in a way it was my destiny to study them. Still, gaining their trust is tricky. I don’t smoke cigars myself, I have good taste, so sometimes getting into their inner circles can be hard, but usually if I just say horribly misogynistic things they’re quick to accept me as one of their own.”
At press time, Morley and his friends intended to go to local establishment Siro’s for steaks following their day at the track, leading to a mass resignation of waitstaff.