SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. — The National Association of Bird Lovers (NABL) finally ended years of speculation and admitted that their seemingly wholesome activity was based on nothing more than an uncontrollable sexual attraction to the winged creatures, validated sources reported.
“We know we’ve tried to convince everyone that our leisurely pastime where we spend all weekend creeping in the woods with binoculars is just a nice hobby, but it’s time to fess up and admit it simply gets our rocks off,” said President Todd Cornelius as he hid a sizeable bulge in his pants just talking about the subject. “You really thought our devotion to finding elusive beauties like the Antioquia Brushfinch was merely based on an innocent appreciation of their striking plumage? Think again. We’ve got a fever, and the only antidote is lusting after these featured little sluts.”
Eight-two-year-old Kitty LeFarge, who frequents the same park as many of the birders, shared her lingering suspicions.
“My husband Earl and I–God rest his soul–have been coming here for the past fifty years,” stated LeFarge. “At first, we thought these people were just engaging in a fun activity in the great outdoors by enjoying the fresh air and relaxing with nature. But when we observed them a little closer, we noticed that they’d let out a little moan when they spotted a bird that seemed to suit their fancy, then their hands would disappear into their cargo shorts. They should all be put on a watchlist if you ask me.”
John Dryer, manager of a local hobby store, explained that many popular interests are fronts for sexual deviance.
“These are all for perverts,” Dryer said, pointing to his entire inventory. “Bird watching, butterfly chasing, plant identification and even gardening have all been co-opted by sickos. Basically, any hobby that involves being alone outside is a breeding ground for degenerates. Makes you think twice the next time you see your neighbor tending to his favorite begonia bush, knowing he’ll probably try to bang it. Yeah, I’m talking about you, Mr. Sokowski.”
At press time, the NABL also admitted that the seeds they tempt the birds with are laced with a powerful aphrodisiac.