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Much Too Late Now to Ask Close Friend His Real First Name

VERO BEACH, Fla. — Groom-to-be Anthony Minor realized last week that he has no idea what his close friend’s real first name is, second-hand-embarrassed sources helping him with his wedding invitations confirmed.

“My buddy Squeege and I go way back. We were roommates in college, we backpacked through Yosemite together… I was even a pallbearer at his dog’s funeral,” said Minor. “And I’ve never met anyone who didn’t call him Squeege — his coworkers, his parents, his family priest. To all of them, he’s Squeege. I guess I just assumed it was some weird family name from the old country or something.”

Minor and fiancée Stephanie Mitchell were finalizing their list of names and addresses for their wedding invites when they realized that, after nearly two decades of friendship, not only did they not know Squeege’s real name, but it was much too late to ask now.

“Squeege would understandably be pissed if he found out Anthony thought [Squeege’s] parents’ literally wrote ‘Squeege’ on his birth certificate,” said Mitchell. “But, we got to figure out something. The thought of seeing ‘Squeege +1’ written in fancy calligraphy on one of our invites is super depressing.”

Since the realization, Minor has made subtle attempts to coax Squeege into revealing his real name, but to no avail.

“I tried tricking him by saying I needed to see his social security card to send him a wedding invite, claiming it was some weird new government rule for getting married. ‘Fucking Trump, right?’ I said. But now, he just thinks I’m trying to steal his identity,” said Minor. “I even called up a few of his ex-girlfriends to see if they knew, but they just told me to fuck off… and to pass that message along to Squeege.”

Minor admitted he’s now exploring alternative options to find out Squeege’s given name.

“I’m thinking I’ll try to draw him into a fight now, so I don’t have to invite him to the wedding. Then we can make up after the honeymoon,” explained Minor. “Of course, if I ever throw a formal event in the future, I may have to organize an elaborate ruse where everyone I know tells Squeege I’m dead, only to miracuously come back to life once the event is over.”

When reached for comment, Squeege said, “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m Keith,” with absolutely no prompting whatsoever.

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