ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local mother Martha Browning grew concerned for her crust punk son after hearing rumors circulating that some trick-or-treaters may find candy mixed in with their drugs this Halloween season, sources confirmed.
“I saw a meme about it on Facebook and now I’m really worried about Johnny getting his hands on drugs tainted with high fructose corn syrup. That stuff is dangerous and very addictive,” said Browning. “That’s why I have been double-checking all of his pills before I let him go out to the dive bar, just to make sure none of them are actually Smarties. All that sugar could really ruin his buzz. I just don’t think I could live with myself as a mother knowing that he popped a regular gummy when he was expecting a THC gummy.”
Son Johnny Browning thinks his mom is overreacting and falling for sensationalized stories online.
“I keep telling her she needs to stop believing all this crap she reads online; you can’t trust everything you read on punknews.org,” said the Browning son as he scoured the ground for discarded cigarette butts to smoke. “Every Halloween, all of our parents freak out about stuff like this. Last year she was worried that people were putting razorblades into the drugs. She heard that the razorblades were so dull that it could barely chop up your cocaine. At least her heart is in the right place.”
Former crust punk turned suburban mother Tabitha Ranken claims that she has personal experience to prove that the stories are true.
“This should not be taken lightly. I know it sounds like an urban legend, but sadly, it is all too real. I myself fell victim to one of these heinous crimes many years ago,” said Ranken. “I was on my way to the Skitsystem show, so I popped a few of my painkillers, this way they’d kick in by the time I got to the venue and ordered my first beer, but I quickly realized that half of the pills were just M&M’s, so I had to suffer through that night only kind of high instead of very high. It’s still hard for me to talk about it without feeling an overwhelming sense of trauma.”
At press time, Browning claimed that she would continue to test all of her son’s stash by taking a little bump before letting him use it himself, just to be safe.